 |
"Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else.... I am still right here...." -Hurt, Nine Inch Nails, The Downward Spiral |
ALL POEMS � 2000 JON MOLINA...VIOLATE AND I'LL VIOLATE YOU
4eVeR tOrN
So if you flee time and again
Am I supposed to give in
To the fact that you fled from me
Head bowed down and on one knee
After I've fallen from your lift
The feelings that were beshrift
I stand upon the bottom
Wondering if I can fall any further.
Who are you to say what I can and cannot take
Who are you to expect me to happily wake
After being dropped once again
Ever so lightly and yet so hard.
Someday my pain will subside
And the nothing will fill inside
I can be whatever you mold me to
I can be everything or nothing to you
For I no longer care what becomes of this shell...
For now my soul burns quietly...in hell...
Written 3/3/00 at 1:40 in the morning
Le Grande Exeunt
Drink, sleep, do nothing at all
The higher you rise then the further you fall
Cut at the knees though once you were tall
And then it all came down (come down)
To the bowels of hell
All's fine and well
But how could you tell
What it's like to come down (it came down)
Tread upon the tears of virgin eyes
the cries...my cries...
God couldn't change the way
That I feel each day
Afterward (far ahead now)
Bow my head in humiliation
Full for lack of ventilation
Desiring only consecration
Getting only desecration
From unholy occupation
I feel the instinct trepidation
My hears stops beating...
Separation
Mein Gott...I miss the sensation
I am taken for I am forsaken
Mein Gott...
My heart belonged to you
Discarded, it is gone
Diminuendo
Play your harp for me once more
My heart is beaten and sore
For the melody you play for me
The song that will never be...
I have lived without music
Until you began to play
I cannot live without music now
You stopped playing for me
So abrupt it made my blood cease flow
Now you know when I go below
I listen to your music
In my head
Poems written 2/07/00 @ Midnight by Jonathan Molina
The rest of these were written before the above date.
Under False Impressions
I was under the impression
That you were in love with me
Was that a short term obsession
Or a type of love I cannot see?
Hours gone by without your words
When you said you'd give me them...
Even the small things really hurt
To a virgin heart in hopeless love
Look above
You'll See
What we had...
What we're under...
Look around
Help me know
Where we are
For I am lost within myself
In my own predicted hell
You were different all along
But what is now rings a bell...
It's called the end,
The end I'd thought would never come.
How could I be so naive
So dumb
As to how things work these days
I should have known
No one could love with all their soul
Except for me anyways
Whatever is left of it now.
I don't care if I die
I don't care if I die
Just so you know.
Well isn't this a surprise
Not of the pleasant sort.
I was under impressions
That your heart beat
For me....solely.....
But all of that is different now
Don't know why and don't know how
I break in two and weaken
I go after the drink
That kills the pain away
Why is this happening again
I thought this would last
A whole lot longer
And I'd be stronger
Anything more than what I am
To be as of now.
Want
I could never tell you
How I wish
You were always with me
You could never know
What I would do
To make you happy
And I feel myself
Slippin' away
From your heart
And I know that I
Can never be
All that you want
I wish I could learn to sing
So I could sing to you
And I wish I could learn to dance
So I could dance with you
And I wish that I
Could be everything
Because you're everything to me
I can never forget
The look in your eye
When they locked with mine
And I'll never forget
The feel of your heart
Beating with my own
I just want to be all that you want
Because you're all that I want
And I don't want anything else
How could I ever forget
How couldn't I never forget
How much you mean to me
God Loves His Children
Cry myself awake
Breathe in the heavy morning
Filling my lungs for what feels like
The first time.
Wipe the tears from my eyes
Looking back at myself in the mirror
Thinking of how much I hate myself
How weak I am and how I could be
So much better than what I am.
Desperately looking for the desire
In my own soul
To go on and push forward
Instead of letting the current take me forward.
I take the judgement of others
I nod my head in an unconscious stupor
While I am told what I should and shouldn't do.
I know they are almost always right
My voice almost wholly agreeing
Yet there's always the shade
That is created when light shines
From the front of you.
The only time I will stand upon my shade
Is when this light comes from above.
If god loves his children
I welcome him with open arms.
For now, I hold onto myself,
Wondering why no one else
Wants to hold onto me.
OustretchThere are no breaks for a reason. This is a stream of thoughts.
Solar dreams echo In flourescent shrouds Hiding my final destination. Black sunlight descends Upon the radioactive soil As I try and find my way Through a field of flowers, Butterflies, birds, and epitaphs. I choke upon the sweet smell Of summer breeze Carrying ill-fate towards my temple My body The soul upon the physical plane. Lavender haze slips through my fingertips As I reach for someone to hold onto Desperately making my last attempts To save my own sanity From those who seem to have been born To take it from me As if it were of some value to them. Strangely I feel that it isn't, And I try to grasp the concept With no success. Maybe they find pleasure From my pain Do they find comfort In the crucification of my morality?
Long Nights
I lie awake at night
Keeping myself from sleep
As if I truly did not want it.
I lie awake at night
Thinking of the girl
Who makes my heart race,
Thinking of that girl
Who makes the butterflies fly.
I lay outside and stare at the stars
And wish that they were her eyes.
The eyes which make those very stars
Pale in beautiful comparison.
The wind carries the scent
Of the night, and lo,
My heart sinks when I do not
Smell her perfume with it.
I close my eyes and remember
The unrivaled bliss of her embrace,
The purity of her presence,
The way she sets me free
When I am in her company.
Try as I might to recreate
The beauty, the perfection,
The art which only the Lord
Could possibly create.
I try but with no avail.
There has been not one person
Who could possess a smile
That could make me smile
Twice as much. Not one person
Who could shine on my darkest day.
Not one person like her.
I'm all about her.
Every time I tell her
That I love her,
I mean it more each time.
My desire is forever there
The only posession in which
I can do nothing about.
All I can do is wait and hope
To hear three words that which
No number of words can truly represent.
If those words came from her heart,
Much like these words come from mine
Then I would feel that one emotion
Which has yet to grace my existence
That one emotion that has gone
Unconceived by me.
But I fail to find any words
Of any quantity
That could stand next to my love for her.
Everything I do
Is for you, Jess.
